I feel bloggers get a bad rep. I recently told one of my friends that I have a blog and he busted out laughing at me. Why? I have no clue. What is wrong with blogging? There are people out there who blog for a living, as in they get paid to do it. . . Now that’s nothing but pure awesomeness! Anyway, blogging is nothing but an artistic representation of who a person is. Maybe one blogs because they feel as though they have no one to talk to. Maybe they blog because they want people to see their creativity. Maybe one blogs just because they want to feel as though they are somehow connected to the world. Whatever the reason may be, I respect bloggers. I mean, I don’t look at them as any less of a person. I’m not just saying that either. Even before I had a blog, I never really thought about those who did blog. If someone were to tell me, ” Oh, hey! I have a blog.” I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. . . Actually, I might have and thought, “Wow, that’s pretty awesome.” I understand people need a creative outlet. I myself need one. However, I don’t think of it as all that creative. . . I just feel it’s me standing on my soapbox. And unfortunately, you readers have to hear it! 😀 Hey, I’m not forcing it on you. . . You choose to get yourself into this mess! 😉 Anyway, I just don’t know what all the commotion is over blogging. Me personally, I use my blog to vent. It’s the only time I feel I can let every thing out without any of the following: pity, judgement, rudeness, and commotion. I blog because I feel as though I have the ear of the whole world and in some weird way, it’s all confidential. Oxymoron, much? I know, but it’s the truth. This is the one place I feel as though I can get on here and say whatever feelings I may have, however contradictory they may be, and receive zero judgement for them. I know I can get on here type everything I have to say and I won’t have anyone looking at me saying well, you need to think this, or awe, you poor thing, or any garbage such as that. If you don’t agree with my point of views then you don’t have to comment. You can respect them, though. I mean yeah, you’re going to run into people online, as in the real world, who do not share your views. Well, that’s to be expected. If we didn’t, honestly, I would be kinda freaked out. But, it’s all about respect. You can disagree with a person but still be respectful. . . I feel as though people, these days, think that it’s impossible. Well anyway, I am going to step down off my soapbox and go on about my day! Much love 😀
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Hello, lovelies! I hope this post finds you full, happy, and thankful! I hope all of your Thanksgivings went well and you find yourself truly blessed! My Thanksgiving went better than I had expected. My mom and I didn’t fight. My brother and I, on the other hand, did. Well, what’s a Thanksgiving dinner without the usual sibling argument. However, my brother handled it better than normal. Instead of the usual hour long fight, this one was only about 10 minutes. He and I both bit each other’s heads off, and I went into the living room to cool off. He came out here and got me and said hey, let’s go hit some balls. So, he and I went outside and hit some golf balls. And chatted for a while. He knows I’m under a lot of stress and told me, in his on way that it’ll get better. I love him for that. Yeah, he and I have our differences but he is there for me when it really matters. And for that I love him. My oldest brother hasn’t talked to me since my dad’s funeral, which was over 2 months ago; however, he can go over to my aunt and uncle’s house and visit with them daily and go to church with them. He knows what they’re doing to me but continues to hang around them. Well, all I can do for him is pray for him and hope that God really gets his attention because I know I can’t. No matter how much I want to yell at him, curse him, and throw things at him, I know that will only make matters worse. So, for now, I’ll just continue praying for him. That’s all I know to do. This Thanksgiving wasn’t the same without my dad. I missed him so much. This time of the year I would be with him at his house. I would’ve had Thanksgiving morning and afternoon with my mom, then later that night about 6 or so, I would’ve went over to his house and had some of his fabulous cooking and we would’ve played cards until 12 or 1 in the morning. Then I would’ve woken up a few hours later Friday morning about 4 or so and gotten dressed and he and I would’ve trekked to the deer stand and had one of our amazing talks and shot a few deer. Then we would do it all over again Friday night and Saturday morning. I talk to him daily and miss him so much. But, I can’t help but think that his death, in an odd way, is bringing those who truly care about me and I together. There’s a guy that was there for me when my parents were going through their separation and divorce. He would ride to my house on his four-wheeler come and get me and say, “hey, lets go ridin’.” We were the best of friends and closer than anyone I’ve ever been friends with. He wanted to have sex and I told him we were 12 and I wanted to wait. I guess he took that as meaning I didn’t love him and he and I haven’t talked since. . . . . . He showed up at my dad’s funeral. My dad was a well known man. He was a police/probation officer all my life. And plus it’s a small town. There was a long line to view my dad and say their goodbyes. My mom told me that as his daughter it was my duty to stand by the casket as people made their way around. Well this guy, skipped the whole line to come up and stand beside me and talk to me. He gave me one of those long hugs that made me believe that everything was gonna be okay. We talked and he told me that if I ever needed him to call or text. He and I have been talking about some things and I can’t help but feel that maybe something good will happen this time. I mean, he’s in a relationship and I’m not a home wrecker. So, if he wants something, he’s going to have to break it off with her. But, I loved him 8 years ago and I love him now and nothing he can say or do will ever change that. I can’t help but feel as though he and I belong together. And maybe since my dad’s with the big man upstairs now he can put in a good word for me and pull a few strings. . . 😀 Hey, I need to laugh somehow. But, seriously, I miss my dad very much and I think about him constantly and talk to him more times a day than I can count. If he were here now, he would tell me to go for what makes me happy and forget everyone else. It will just give them something to talk about. So, the moral of this long story is just that. Go after what you want, you never know when it’s gonna be your time to go. Don’t wast life playing in the shallow end of the pool. Take your clothes off and dive head first into the deep end. So what if you tick a few people off. Do what’s right for you and worry about yourself because no one else will. 😀
As I sit here thinking about everything, I can’t help but wonder what my life would’ve been like if I were born someone else. Many people think that the outer man/woman is who you are. They forget to realize that who we are is our soul. We can’t help what shell our soul is placed in. I think of it like a turtle. A turtle is a turtle is a turtle no matter what color shell you place it in, it’s still going to be a turtle. That’s like us. Our soul is our soul. What we see as a person is the outer extremities and we think that makes up a person and we forget about how the person acts, thinks, feels, etc. These past two months without my dad being here, have taught me a lot. More than I ever could learn at school. I’ve really thought about quitting school and just setting out on the open road with the wind in my hair and my ipod blasting. I don’t because I promised my dad that no matter what I would finish school. And I am going to keep that promise. My mom came down last weekend and she asked how I was. I told her that I’m not doing too well. Her reply ” Well, it’s not like you saw him everyday so it shouldn’t be that bad.” Um, excuse me. . . My dad just died. She expects me to go on with school and go on with my life as though nothing has happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to continue on with school; but, I haven’t even had time for myself with this. Everyone’s just pushing me the way they always do. Hey, do this, hey do that, on top of school, make sure you call your lawyer and talk to him weekly. Hey on top of dealing with your dad’s death your uncle is going to be a prick and show his ass so you have to deal with him. Hey you have to deal with your dad’s death, the lawsuit, your ACT, get into the education program, keep a B average, and worry about making enough money to support yourself so you can make 6 travels from school to home in three weeks when gas is 3.26 per gallon. How in the hell am I supposed to feel? Happy? Jolly? Not a damn care in the world? I’m sorry I’m pissed, I’m sorry I’m sad; but, I will be damned if I just sit here and be happy that he’s gone, happy that I can’t talk to him anymore. That’s what my mom doesn’t understand. My dad and I were just getting to talk to each other after 6 years. And after six years, he still knew me better than she ever did or will. No one saw that side of my dad and me. I can’t stop thinking about heaven and what it’s like. Heaven is more real to me now than it has ever been. I’m really dreading not having him here this Thanksgiving and Christmas. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to be able to make it through. Every year, I would go over to his house and he would be cooking. He was the best cook. He was so creative. I think what gets me the most is that he never taught me. I mean, I picked up a few things here and there; but, as for him really teaching me, he never did. He didn’t go by recipes. He just made it and if it tasted good he’d know how to make it again. If it didn’t he wouldn’t make it again. I don’t know maybe I’m being petty in all this, but I can’t help but feel this is all too much. I just want the holidays to hurry up and get here so I can be done with school, and have a break to actually confront this a cope with it. I want to get away from school, my family, and all the cares of this world. I just want to get away and go somewhere nice ,pretty and quite to face everything.
My roommate and I had another heart-to-heart last night/this morning! I got off work at 12 this morning and had one of my co-workers over who is a mutual friend. We all talked and then watched a scary movie, against my wishes, and then I took him home. It was all fun and everything but I couldn’t sleep. And whenever I stay up all night, I start thinking about everything. From, what am I going to write my paper(s) on? To am I ever going to get married and have children of my own? My brain is wired so differently and all these tiny little things that could never possibly connect with anyone else, connects with me. I’ve always pictured my life as a big book. And it never crossed my mind that I wasn’t going to get my happy ending. Now, with everything that has happened, it can’t stop crossing my mind. I’m a very down to earth person. I don’t think of myself as “better” than anyone. We’re all the same just different details. I see this stuff happening to people all the time and I think to myself, “Wow, I have no clue as to what I would do if that were me. I’m just going to pray for God to help them.” And really, that is exactly what I think. It’s so crazy because now, I’m that person. And I have no clue what to do. I’m completely dumbfounded. My roommate told me last night, “I have no idea what I would do if I were in your situation. You have so much on you with your dad’s passing and with college and everything else. You make me believe in God, because I think to myself, well, if she can handle all this and still keep her faith in God, why can’t I have faith in Him? You handle everything so well. Forgive me for saying this, this way, but you’re one classy bitch. And I mean that with all respect.” As she was saying this I thought to myself, “that’s it!” God never puts anything on us that we can’t bear. He knows how strong we are and He allows us to go through hard times so we can be an example to those around us. If me going through an extremely hard time and keeping my faith in God gets souls into the kingdom of heaven then that’s okay by me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like going through hard times, they suck, but I know God loves me and He’ll help me through it. And I have a peace about my dad’s passing. It’s a peace that no one can comprehend and I know that he’s better off. Don’t misunderstand me, I still miss him like crazy and I cry all the time but like I said God has given me a peace which transcends all understanding. I’m sad because I wonder how long it’s going to take for me to see my dad again. I wouldn’t bring him back for all the money in the world if I knew he was going to be in pain like he was. But, I just wish I could see him one more time. To have one of our talks like we would have in the deer stand. I loved those talks. We talked about everything. You only have one dad, one mom, one brother, one sister, who are who they are and no one can replace them. Take it from me, you never know when your last moment with someone is going to be. Don’t let the last word you ever speak to the one you love be something of anger. Let the ones you love know you love them. Don’t ever leave the house fighting, and never go to bed angry. I still cry at the drop of a hat and I still cry myself to sleep every night. But, one reason I’m at peace is because I knew my dad loved me and he knew I loved him. The last words I ever said to him were dad I love you. I know God is going to continue helping me. Always hold on to Him, never leave Him and I promise, He WILL NEVER leave you! 😀
You know, there are just times in your life when you need to break down. You can’t be strong anymore and you’re just not capable of going any further without crying. This is one of those times. So, my dad passed away the 18th day of September. He lost his battle with cancer and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I hate talking about it because I don’t want people to pity me. I hate not talking about it because I feel as though I’m disgracing him in some way. He was my everything. He and I were just starting to talk again and really become close. We went deer hunting this past winter. He re-dedicated his life to Christ. I went to his house and visited him over the Summer and everything was going really well. Little did I know there was a disease on the inside of his body eating away at his organs. While he and I were laughing and cutting up, he was really in pain and slowly dying on the inside. He knew about it and just didn’t tell anyone; nor did he bother going to the doctor because he didn’t have any insurance. He was the type of man that would suffer in silence while he watched everyone around him have a good time. I’m trying so hard not to fall to pieces and just give up on everything and when I say everything I mean God included. I know I can’t though. I know I have to go on and strive for the goal. Before my dad passed, he told me that no matter what happened with him or in life that I had to stay in school until I received my degree. I hope that I can hang on through all of this because things have gotten messy around my neck of the woods since his passing. If there’s anyone out there reading this, I ask that you please pray for my family and me. Pray that we all have strength to make it though this. Pray for me that I may have a humbleness as well as a boldness and I not allow myself to get taken advantage of. Thanks for everything 😀