02 Feb

You know, every day I think to myself I could be doing something different with my life. I could be traveling the world at this very second. Instead, I’m sitting in my bed sipping apple chamomile tea listening to the rain dance with the gutter outside my window. I’m constantly thinking about how different my life could be instead of being thankful for what it is. God has truly blessed me with an amazing life that I absolutely do not deserve. I was born with a very tender heart. Sometimes, I get angry that my heart is so tender and how I feel everything so deeply. Sometimes, I wish I were more hard-hearted like my grandmother. In all my 22 years, I’ve seen that woman cry maybe three times. My dad, her son, passed away and I never saw her shed a tear, not at the hospital, not while making arrangements, not during visitation, not during the funeral, nothing. And I just thought to myself, wow, I wish I could hold my composure like that. I hate being so weak. I over-think things constantly and I begin to cry. I think about the past; I cry. I think about the future; I cry. A certain song comes on the radio; I cry. It takes nothing for me to cry anymore and I hate it. I think about how different my life would be if I decided not to attend college. But, in all honesty, I couldn’t ask for a better life. Yeah, shit has happened. But everyone has shit happen and it’s just that, shit. You kick grass over it and move forward. It’s very difficult though. But, it’s nights like tonight that I am thankful. I try and be thankful every night, but when I stop and think about my life, and think how far I’ve come. I do become overwhelmed at how God has blessed me. I have some very wonderful friends, a mom who loves me and will do anything to give me a better life than what she had, a brother who is in law school, another brother who is married to an amazing woman. I’m surrounded by books that are patiently waiting to be read. I’m surrounded by beautiful people who are waiting to be met. I’m surrounded by places that are waiting to be visited and I’m surrounded by music that is waiting to be felt. All in all, I’d say I have a pretty great life. I know this post probably doesn’t make a lick of sense; but, this is what my thoughts are right now. I have an amazing life and an amazing God who gave it to me and I take it all for granted all too often. To whomever is reading this, wherever you are, and whatever you may be going through, it gets better. I am here if you wanna chat. Just message me. And to those of you who may not need/want to talk, I’m praying for you. Honestly, I pray for all of ya’ll. I hope each and every one of you have an amazing night. Rest well. Tomorrow is a new day and a clean slate. G’night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite. 😀 


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