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Monthly Archives: November 2011

Ah, the sound of mediocre repetition!

Hello, lovelies! I hope this post finds you full, happy, and thankful! I hope all of your Thanksgivings went well and you find yourself truly blessed! My Thanksgiving went better than I had expected. My mom and I didn’t fight. My brother and I, on the other hand, did. Well, what’s a Thanksgiving dinner without the usual sibling argument. However, my brother handled it better than normal. Instead of the usual hour long fight, this one was only about 10 minutes. He and I both bit each other’s heads off, and I went into the living room to cool off. He came out here and got me and said hey, let’s go hit some balls. So, he and I went outside and hit some golf balls. And chatted for a while. He knows I’m under a lot of stress and told me, in his on way that it’ll get better. I love him for that. Yeah, he and I have our differences but he is there for me when it really matters. And for that I love him. My oldest brother hasn’t talked to me since my dad’s funeral, which was over 2 months ago; however, he can go over to my aunt and uncle’s house and visit with them daily and go to church with them. He knows what they’re doing to me but continues to hang around them. Well, all I can do for him is pray for him and hope that God really gets his attention because I know I can’t. No matter how much I want to yell at him, curse him, and throw things at him, I know that will only make matters worse. So, for now, I’ll just continue praying for him. That’s all I know to do. This Thanksgiving wasn’t the same without my dad. I missed him so much. This time of the year I would be with him at his house. I would’ve had Thanksgiving morning and afternoon with my mom, then later that night about 6 or so, I would’ve went over to his house and had some of his fabulous cooking and we would’ve played cards until 12 or 1 in the morning. Then I would’ve woken up a few hours later Friday morning about 4 or so and gotten dressed and he and I would’ve trekked to the deer stand and had one of our amazing talks and shot a few deer. Then we would do it all over again Friday night and Saturday morning. I talk to him daily and miss him so much. But, I can’t help but think that his death, in an odd way, is bringing those who truly care about me and I together. There’s a guy that was there for me when my parents were going through their separation and divorce. He would ride to my house on his four-wheeler come and get me and say, “hey, lets go ridin’.” We were the best of friends and closer than anyone I’ve ever been friends with. He wanted to have sex and I told him we were 12 and I wanted to wait. I guess he took that as meaning I didn’t love him and he and I haven’t talked since. . . . . . He showed up at my dad’s funeral. My dad was a well known man. He was a police/probation officer all my life. And plus it’s a small town. There was a long line to view my dad and say their goodbyes. My mom told me that as his daughter it was my duty to stand by the casket as people made their way around. Well this guy, skipped the whole line to come up and stand beside me and talk to me. He gave me one of those long hugs that made me believe that everything was gonna be okay. We talked and he told me that if I ever needed him to call or text. He and I have been talking about some things and I can’t help but feel that maybe something good will happen this time. I mean, he’s in a relationship and I’m not a home wrecker. So, if he wants something, he’s going to have to break it off with her. But, I loved him 8 years ago and I love him now and nothing he can say or do will ever change that. I can’t help but feel as though he and I belong together. And maybe since my dad’s with the big man upstairs now he can put in a good word for me and pull a few strings. . .  😀 Hey, I need to laugh somehow. But, seriously, I miss my dad very much and I think about him constantly and talk to him more times a day than I can count. If he were here now, he would tell me to go for what makes me happy and forget everyone else. It will just give them something to talk about. So, the moral of this long story is just that. Go after what you want, you never know when it’s gonna be your time to go. Don’t wast life playing in the shallow end of the pool. Take your clothes off and dive head first into the deep end. So what if you tick a few people off. Do what’s right for you and worry about yourself because no one else will. 😀 

 

You’re The You You’re Meant To Be

As I sit here thinking about everything, I can’t help but wonder what my life would’ve been like if I were born someone else. Many people think that the outer man/woman is who you are. They forget to realize that who we are is our soul. We can’t help what shell our soul is placed in. I think of it like a turtle. A turtle is a turtle is a turtle no matter what color shell you place it in, it’s still going to be a turtle. That’s like us. Our soul is our soul. What we see as a person is the outer extremities and we think that makes up a person and we forget about how the person acts, thinks, feels, etc. These past two months without my dad being here, have taught me a lot. More than I ever could learn at school. I’ve really thought about quitting school and just setting out on the open road with the wind in my hair and my ipod blasting. I don’t because I promised my dad that no matter what I would finish school. And I am going to keep that promise. My mom came down last weekend and she asked how I was. I told her that I’m not doing too well. Her reply ” Well, it’s not like you saw him everyday so it shouldn’t be that bad.” Um, excuse me. . . My dad just died. She expects me to go on with school and go on with my life as though nothing has happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to continue on with school; but, I haven’t even had time for myself with this. Everyone’s just pushing me the way they always do. Hey, do this, hey do that, on top of school, make sure you call your lawyer and talk to him weekly. Hey on top of dealing with your dad’s death your uncle is going to be a prick and show his ass so you have to deal with him. Hey you have to deal with your dad’s death, the lawsuit, your ACT, get into the education program, keep a B average, and worry about making enough money to support yourself so you can make 6 travels from school to home in three weeks when gas is 3.26 per gallon. How in the hell am I supposed to feel? Happy? Jolly? Not a damn care in the world? I’m sorry I’m pissed, I’m sorry I’m sad; but, I will be damned if I just sit here and be happy that he’s gone, happy that I can’t talk to him anymore. That’s what my mom doesn’t understand. My dad and I were just getting to talk to each other after 6 years. And after six years, he still knew me better than she ever did or will. No one saw that side of my dad and me. I can’t stop thinking about heaven and what it’s like. Heaven is more real to me now than it has ever been. I’m really dreading not having him here this Thanksgiving and Christmas. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to be able to make it through. Every year, I would go over to his house and he would be cooking. He was the best cook. He was so creative. I think what gets me the most is that he never taught me. I mean, I picked up a few things here and there; but, as for him really teaching me, he never did. He didn’t go by recipes. He just made it and if it tasted good he’d know how to make it again. If it didn’t he wouldn’t make it again. I don’t know maybe I’m being petty in all this, but I can’t help but feel this is all too much. I just want the holidays to hurry up and get here so I can be done with school, and have a break to actually confront this a cope with it. I want to get away from school, my family, and all the cares of this world. I just want to get away and go somewhere nice ,pretty and quite to face everything.