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Monthly Archives: October 2011

Never Let The Sun Go Down On Your Wrath!

My roommate and I had another heart-to-heart last night/this morning! I got off work at 12 this morning and had one of my co-workers over who is a mutual friend. We all talked and then watched a scary movie, against my wishes, and then I took him home. It was all fun and everything but I couldn’t sleep. And whenever I stay up all night, I start thinking about everything. From, what am I going to write my paper(s) on? To am I ever going to get married and have children of my own? My brain is wired so differently and all these tiny little things that could never possibly connect with anyone else, connects with me. I’ve always pictured my life as a big book. And it never crossed my mind that  I wasn’t going to get my happy ending. Now, with everything that has happened, it can’t stop crossing my mind. I’m a very down to earth person. I don’t think of myself as “better” than anyone. We’re all the same just different details. I see this stuff happening to people all the time and I think to myself, “Wow, I have no clue as to what I would do if that were me. I’m just going to pray for God to help them.” And really, that is exactly what I think. It’s so crazy because now, I’m that person. And I have no clue what to do. I’m completely dumbfounded. My roommate told me last night, “I have no idea what I would do if I were in your situation. You have so much on you with your dad’s passing and with college and everything else. You make me believe in God, because I think to myself, well, if she can handle all this and still keep her faith in God, why can’t I have faith in Him? You handle everything so well. Forgive me for saying this, this way, but you’re one classy bitch. And I mean that with all respect.” As she was saying this I thought to myself, “that’s it!” God never puts anything on us that we can’t bear. He knows how strong we are and He allows us to go through hard times so we can be an example to those around us. If me going through an extremely hard time and keeping my faith in God gets souls into the kingdom of heaven then that’s okay by me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like going through hard times, they suck, but I know God loves me and He’ll help me through it. And I have a peace about my dad’s passing. It’s a peace that no one can comprehend and I know that he’s better off. Don’t misunderstand me, I still miss him like crazy and I cry all the time but like I said God has given me a peace which transcends all understanding. I’m sad because I wonder how long it’s going to take for me to see my dad again. I wouldn’t bring him back for all the money in the world if I knew he was going to be in pain like he was. But, I just wish I could see him one more time. To have one of our talks like we would have in the deer stand. I loved those talks. We talked about everything. You only have one dad, one mom,  one brother, one sister, who are who they are and no one can replace them. Take it from me, you never know when your last moment with someone is going to be. Don’t let the last word you ever speak to the one you love be something of anger. Let the ones you love know you love them. Don’t ever leave the house fighting, and never go to bed angry.  I still cry at the drop of a hat and I still cry myself to sleep every night. But, one reason I’m at peace is because I knew my dad loved me and he knew I loved him. The last words I ever said to him were dad I love you. I know God is going to continue helping me. Always hold on to Him, never leave Him and I promise, He WILL NEVER leave you! 😀 

 

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. . . . .

You know, there are just times in your life when you need to break down. You can’t be strong anymore and you’re just not capable of going any further without crying. This is one of those times. So, my dad passed away the 18th day of  September. He lost his battle with cancer and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I hate talking about it because I don’t want people to pity me. I hate not talking about it because I feel as though I’m disgracing him in some way. He was my everything. He and I were just starting to talk again and really become close. We went deer hunting this past winter. He re-dedicated his life to Christ. I went to his house and visited him over the Summer and everything was going really well. Little did I know there was a disease on the inside of his body eating away at his organs. While he and I were laughing and cutting up, he was really in pain and slowly dying on the inside. He knew about it and just didn’t tell anyone; nor did he bother going to the doctor because he didn’t have any insurance. He was the type of man that would suffer in silence while he watched everyone around him have a good time. I’m trying so hard not to fall to pieces and just give up on everything and when I say everything I mean God included. I know I can’t though. I know I have to go on and strive for the goal. Before my dad passed, he told me that no matter what happened with him or in life that I had to stay in school until I received my degree. I hope that I can hang on through all of this because things have gotten messy around my neck of the woods since his passing. If there’s anyone out there reading this, I ask that you please pray for my family and me. Pray that we all have strength to make it though this. Pray for me that I may have a humbleness as well as a boldness and I not allow myself to get taken advantage of. Thanks for everything 😀